But when someone tells me I've changed... I kind of stop in my tracks. They say that it isn't necessarily a bad thing but... I feel like it is.
Apparently I used to fight for relationships. I would never want it to die. It doesn't matter if I never recieved anything for my giving.. I would just keep giving. I didn't care if it took a lot of time and energy to do something for someone... I'd do it. I'd let them "push me around" and never really question their actions. I did all these because I didn't want to lose them.
Now I have an almost completely different view on things. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the pattern... but I can't keep giving if I never get anything in return. I feel like I could better use this energy in building another relationship. I don't take the time and energy to do something for some people anymore. Well I do... but not to the extent I used to do it. Now, I always question their actions. I wonder what they meant by what they did and if they really meant it. I feel like there are certain relationships that I wouldn't care so much if it didn't continue.
I've been trying to justify my changes for the past little while... but I can't seem to find a suitable answer. Maybe it's just because I'm tired of being taken for granted by some people. I mean don't get me wrong. It's not like I DON"T care about any of the realtionships I have... some mean more to me than others. Maybe it's just because my network of friends have expanded so much and I've connected with people who I, well, really connect with. Moreso than others I mean. Maybe I've realized that some people just don't treasure me as much as I treasure them and it hurts to keep trying. Or maybe it's the fact that I know that there will be a point in life where I can't connect with those people anymore ... and I just let that relationship go.
Looking back on all these changes... I really hate myself. I don't know why I let all those people talk me into these kind of values.. I don't even know who they are! I really wish I had an urgency to build and maintain all the friendships I have. I don't even know my priorities anymore.
I feel like such a bad person.
2 comments:
Hopefully I can shine a new light onto the situation..
There's always a time and place for everything. And the friendship that exists/ existed is partially in your control. However, it's a two way street and there are also circumstances that prevent the opportunity of mending bridges or even just connecting to prevail. It's not a bad thing... Not at all. You shouldn't see it as "giving up". Just take it that the friendship has run its course. It doesn't necessarily mean the end or that you guys must be at odds forever. It simply dictates the fact that at this point of your life this person or group of people and you are not able to connect. Perhaps somewhere down the road you will reconnect when both you and the other parties are at a different stage in your life. Perhaps then, a mixture of growing up, changing, and all that jazz will put the other parties at a place where they do want to reconnect and pick up where you left off. I don't know what I'm saying anymore.. hope you got the general jist of it.
I just woke up from my nap. I worked 6 back to backs in 3 days. eff me. Working in another 4 hours. UGHS
verificiation word = manics. wow go blogger... reading my mental state pretty much.
No, I know those stuff already.... it's what got me here in the first place. But it's not exactly what I'm talking about...
It's complicated. In a sense I'm still the same as before... I still hide and pretend that things are okay when they aren't. The part where I've changed is that I don't care anymore. For example... ___ is coming? Sure. ___ isn't coming? Sure. This happened to ___? Sure.
I guess it's just a combination of everything-of my hurts and of these -ideas (concepts or schemas?) all combined together. I'm not compelled to make things work. Then again, this might be just for this single person. Who knows.
Oh fee, I miss you :(
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